Welcome to Planet Ea-AAAHHHH!

Posted: June 25, 2011 in Memories of things that didn't happen
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I was pretty nervous.  It’s not every day that you’re selected to be Earth’s ambassador to aliens about to make first contact.  They were scheduled to land in my backyard at 8:00 PM sharp.  I knocked back a double shot of Crystal Head vodka to calm my jitters and glanced at the clock.

“Shit!” I exclaimed.  “It’s 8:00 right now!” A piece of chewing gum flew out of my mouth as I spoke.  I looked out my back window.  The swimming pool took up most of the yard.  Its water reached all the way up to the base of the window frame.  A sudden flash of bright light lit the pool and three spotlights beamed down from above.  A red and white rocket ship straight out of a 1950’s serial gently glided down  to rest hovering a few feet above the water’s surface.   I was surprised to see the ship was only about six feet tall.

I pressed my face close against the glass trying to get a better look.  A sudden metallic clank accompanied the door on the bottom of the rocket flying open.  Something shot down out of the rocket into the pool.  In a split second a shape flew through the water and burst up to the surface to strike the window in front of my face.  A small grotesque alien with terribly mutated features was plastered against the glass.  It let out a horrible bleating noise, like a goat being skinned alive.  I screamed.


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