Cocaine with Soy Sauce

Posted: March 7, 2011 in Memories of things that didn't happen
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I was brought in to interview Charlie Sheen.  We met late at night, outside an upscale hotel downtown.  We went inside and took the elevator up to a floor that wasn’t open yet.  The only people there were employees working after hours.  They were playing miniature golf, so we joined in.

After our game of mini-golf we started the interview over dinner.  Sheen had Chinese.  He used his chopsticks to dip what seemed to be rice balls into sauce and then into his mouth.  After he chowed down on a few I noticed they were in fact balls of cocaine.

“So how are you doing?” I asked.

He chomped on another ball of cocaine and replied, “I’m wearing a fucking Joe DiMaggio Bronx Bombers jersey.  How do you think I’m doing?”

After the interview we strolled down the city streets.  I spotted Steven and waved him to come over.  Sheen turned to Steven and shot lightning bolts out of his fingers, blasting holes into my friend.  Steven fell to the ground in a bloody mess.  I cried until the ambulance arrived.

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